Dear E. Jean: I’m 30 and admit to being a bit obsessive when it comes to men. Three months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me and made it clear he did not want me anymore. Since then, I’ve gone through various stages: Being Mad (sending hostile e-mails); Being Adorable (sending cute handwritten notes); Pretending to Be Friends (so I can win him back); etc. Last week, after he said he didn’t even want to be friends, I proceeded to go out, drink waaay too much, and call him and ask if I could come over to be with him one last time. (Mind you, it was a weeknight at 2:30 a.m.) He said it was “never going to happen” and that I was “freaking [him] out.” I hate myself! How can I make that my last crazy phone call? —Glutton for Punishment
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Poor, poor Glutton: Designate a friend to receive all crocked calls or, when you get that urge, dial your own machine (you’ll be flummoxed by how silly you sound). Because it’s a matter of simple arithmetic: All love affairs come with calling plans (just like Verizon). You start with 27 points. Every time you call the guy, three points are subtracted from your score. Every time the guy calls you, two points are added to your total. Okay? Now, if you drunk-dial him, you annihilate 10 whopping points off your total. If he drunk-d’s you, 13 extra points light up your scoreboard (and Fenway Park-grade fireworks go off). The love affair is over when you hit zero. I don’t know why, but this works.
This letter is from the Ask E. Jean Archive, 1993-2017. Send questions to E. Jean at E.Jean@AskEJean.com.