This Super-Sized Jeff Goldblum Snack Statue Is the Only Art That Matters

Culture


Jurassic Park 25 Anniversary Photocall

Getty ImagesJohn Phillips

Sad news today for Michaelangelo’s David sculpture, which was found smashed in a ditch after a new super-sized Jeff Goldblum statue showed up in London and made all other art irrelevant.

Jurassic Park 25 Anniversary Photocall

The best art in the world next to a truly excellent dog.

Getty ImagesJohn Phillips

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Put all sixteen chapels up in the yard sale; who needs em when you have a mega-Jeff giving you a Gold rush? And, as if you couldn’t improve on perfection, here is an image of the one piece of art that truly matters being enjoyed by the one creature that truly matters: an exceptional pupper. This is a blessed image. Please Tweet it directly to the president so that we can break the spell. Broadcast it across all channels, online streaming platforms, Google glasses, and whatever secret communication channels Maria Butina is using to talk to all of us.

Jurassic Park 25 Anniversary Photocall

Getty ImagesJohn Phillips

Look at this extremely creepy perfection! Hair like inky waves of icing atop skin the color of a buttermilk pancake with a spray of scruff like 10,000 delicious crumbs of joy. Chef’s kiss! All the chef’s kiss! Chef orgy! Coming this fall to the Food Network.

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Jurassic Park 25 Anniversary Photocall

Getty ImagesJohn Phillips

And don’t even get me started on this exposed nipple. Don’t even get me started! Okay, I’m already started! On one hand, how is this allowed in public? Is everyone in England spontaneously pregnant? Has anyone checked on Prince Harry? Does he have a Goldbun in the oven? On the other hand, please place Jeff Goldblum’s pink nip in all our public squares, marketplaces, offices, and government buildings. Place the nip on the 50 dollar bill. It’s what Grant would want. Grant wrote in his biography, “It is my great hope to be remembered for my military prowess, my bootlegging scandal that more people should talk about, my late-in-the-game career-reframing writing, and, lastly, for clearing the way for a celebrity snack’s nipple to finally get its rightful place on American currency. And also possibly the Euro.”

The statue was erected ::raises eyebrows so high they achieve orbit:: by NOW TV in honor of the 25th anniversary of Jurassic Park‘s UK Premiere. It’s based on the iconic image of Zaddy Supreme Jeff Goldblum as Snack Scientist Dr. Ian Malcolm, lounging luxuriously in the film and turning all of the dinosaurs extremely on. Perhaps you remember the scene where the velociraptor used its talon to turn a knob on a cold shower? Or the scene where the triceratops suggestively slipped Goldblum its number? Honestly, when you think about it, that idiosyncratic impish ice cream cake of a man has had a long career of turning scary movies about dinos, aliens, monsters, and middle-aged malaise into sexual awakenings and we really ought to be processing this more as a culture.

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Frankly, this is the only fitting tribute to both a movie and a movie star who is also a full-time all-you-can-eat buffet and everyone else should be ashamed. More of this please! Why don’t I have a 60-foot shirtless Michael B. Jordan on the National Mall? Or, better yet, knock down the Washington Monument and put this entire photo up in its place. Do it now, you cowards!

2018 BET Awards - Roaming Show

Getty ImagesJohnny Nunez/VMN18

Every minute that stone on Mt. Rushmore spends not being chiseled into the shape of Jason Mendoza from The Good Place is a waste and a scandal and I demand a Congressional Hearing on Judge Judy! That show deserves a thousand Emmys and every single person on that show should have a public statue in a National Park causing sex explosions like the Yellowstone Geyser.

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(By the way, if you think the Yellowstone Geyser is anything other than the Earth responding to the film career of Jeff Goldblum, you need to go back to school.)

Sorry for yelling, but we have to tell the truth in these times and the truth is that Giant Shirtless Jeff Goldblum appearing on Potters Field in London is the Love, Actually sequel we never knew we needed. I am healed. I am complete. I am uplifted. I am revived. I am cleared of all tax evasion charges. I am running for office again. I am accepting the nomination. I am declining calls to step down. I am cancelling all future elections. I am at peace.

Jurassic Park 25 Anniversary Photocall

Getty ImagesJohn Phillips

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Dear Philo Sophie, is it possible for God to make a snack so big even she couldn’t eat it?

Something to think about.

Congratulations to the people of London for a) successfully driving Trump out and b) being blessed with the almost incomprehensible hotness of a gigantic Jeff Goldblum, a Baron of Big Dick Energy who is charging through this world like a character from a Wes Anderson porn come to life in all its delightful, sensual, twee glory.

Jeff Goldblum looks like your aunt’s new boyfriend who teaches nude drawing at the local college and has a screened in porch where he listens to jazz very loud late at night and laughs with his neighbors, none of whom seem to mind the noise, or the light, or pulsating aura of raw sex appeal constantly emanating from the house. Who wouldn’t build a damn statue to that?! PUT IT IN THE TATE MODERN, YOU COWARDS.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.





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